How to Create Peaceful Co-Parenting After Divorce (I did it, and maybe you can, too) Part 1

If you had told me six years ago that I’d be happily co-parenting with the fathers of my children and our respective partners, I would have laughed out loud.

Or cried. There was a lot of crying back then. Yet here we are, actually laughing together - at holidays, graduations, birthday parties, on family camping trips, and even on international vacations. For context: my two kids have different dads, and we’re now all partnered with other people. This kind of peaceful co-parenting after divorce didn’t come easily. In fact, it once felt like a distant dream.

When Co-Parenting After Divorce Feels Impossible

After each relationship ended, we were like most couples who split up - angry, hurt, and deeply resentful. Most conversations ended in yelling or bitter character assassinations. A calm, cooperative co-parenting relationship, or a harmonious blended family, felt like a fantasy. High-conflict co-parenting was our reality.

Fast forward to now. We chat weekly (daily if the kiddos are going through something). We make intentional, in-person dates to talk not just about the logistics of raising our kids, but about life, work, and relationships. We support each other because we genuinely like each other.

Wait. What? Yes. We genuinely like each other.

How Peaceful Co-Parenting After Divorce Actually Happens

There's no way around it: transitioning from partnered to separated to peacefully co-parenting is a process. It takes time and commitment.

If you're dedicated to getting to peace there are clear steps that can move you out of conflict and toward calm, cooperative co-parenting.

It’s not a quick fix, but it is doable if all parties are willing to put in the effort.

You will be dealing with the father of your child for the rest of your life, so it's worth considering if you want a frosty, antagonistic dynamic or ease (and maybe even some joy?). You get to decide.

My Number 1 Co-Parenting Secret: Clean Up Your Side of the Street

Here’s the truth most divorcing mothers don’t want to hear: you set the stage for your co-parenting relationship with your ex. The ease you experience with him is directly related to the ease you feel within yourself.

Simply put, the more thoroughly you heal from the end of your romantic relationship, and deal with your own psychological and emotional issues, the calmer and more peaceful your co-parenting dynamic will be.

Here’s what that actually looks like.

Step 1: Mourn the End of the Marriage

If you haven’t yet done so, you must mourn the end of your romantic relationship.

There’s no way around this. You cannot build peaceful co-parenting after divorce on a shaky emotional foundation. Whether you’ve been divorced for ten years or your ex just moved out, unresolved grief will show up in your co-parenting dynamic every time.

Genuine grieving includes letting go of:

• The dream of the marriage you thought you’d have

• The fantasy family you imagined

• The future you believed was guaranteed

  
  

The shape of your family is different now and accepting that reality is essential.

Processing grief means actually feeling:

• anger

• sadness

• fear

• bitterness

• despair

  
  

You've got to allow these feelings to take up space in you, to have their way with you. So no distracting or numbing or running away with TV, food, shopping, alcohol, or blaming your ex.

Lean on a therapist. Ask trusted friends to listen without fixing. Walk in nature. Journal. Cry. Scream. Take a kickboxing class and beat the hell out of a punching bag if you need to.

This step takes as long as it takes, but start now.

Step 2: Own Your Part Without Blame or Shame

All relationships are a two-way street.

If your relationship ended, you acted out. You said things you regret. You made mistakes.

I certainly did.

As both relationships with my kids’ fathers unraveled (yes, I did this twice), I said unkind things. I shut down emotionally. I yelled. I slammed doors. I acted like an indignant six-year-old.

Embarrassing. And true.

If you want to move from high-conflict co-parenting to peace, you have to take full responsibility for your part.

Buy a notebook. Dedicate it to this transition.

Write a brutally honest list of every moment you acted out of integrity—without blaming your ex, without justifying yourself.

This is courageous work. And it’s what sets you free.

Step 3: Forgive Yourself So You Can Show Up Calmly

The next step is self-forgiveness.

You were doing the best you could with the awareness you had at the time.Read that again.

Unforgiven shame takes up precious real estate in your heart and mind—space you need for your kids and your life.

Lean on a therapist. Gather trusted friends who can hold you as you take accountability and offer yourself compassion.

Only after this work—and only if it feels safe and sincere—consider apologizing to your ex. No blaming. No excuses. Just humility.

Why Taking Care of Yourself Creates Peaceful Co-Parenting

Cleaning up your side of the street is not self-punishment. It’s self-liberation.

When you grieve the marriage, forgive yourself, and tend to your inner world, it’s like cleaning a foggy pane of glass between you and your co-parent.

Communication improves. Trust grows. Respect deepens.

And your kids feel it.

This is how peaceful co-parenting after divorce becomes possible, even if things were once highly conflicted.

Want Help Moving From Conflict to Calm?

If you are in the middle of divorce or co-parenting and your nervous system feels hijacked, you are not broken. This is what overwhelm actually feels like.

It often shows up as replaying the argument, obsessing over the text, or feeling so spun out you cannot focus in a meeting, really hear your kids, or get the sleep you need.

You do not need a big breakthrough. You need a pause.

Stop the Spin: Your 10-minute Reset for Divorce & Co-parenting Chaos is a simple way to interrupt the spiral and come back to yourself so you can think clearly, stay present, and take the next right step.

Check out How to Create Peaceful Co-Parenting After Divorce Part 2!