How to co-parent with a difficult ex (3 truths that transformed everything)

How to transform a toxic co-parenting relationship into peaceful collaboration (even with a difficult ex)

Women constantly ask me how I do it.

They want to know why I choose to hang out with my exes and their partners even when the kids aren't around. How I handle the complexity of different households, diverging dreams, and so many cooks in the kitchen.

Before I answer, I share that Paul is just one of my exes. The romantic relationships with both of my kids' dads ended years ago, and I've been double-duty co-parenting ever since. Along the way, I made many missteps, crumbled into a pile of shame, and built myself back into wholeness more times than I can count.

Co-parenting with a difficult ex isn't about convincing them to like you or waiting for them to change. It's about fundamentally shifting how you show up.

Real, lasting peace in co-parenting starts with you and grows from the inside out. When I finally accepted three uncomfortable truths about myself, the way I co-parented with my exes transformed completely. Not because they changed first. Because I did.

I'm a divorce recovery and co-parenting coach who specializes in emotional regulation for professional mothers navigating divorce. I've been through two divorces with children and have built peaceful, joyful co-parenting relationships with both of my exes over the last 15 years. What I've learned, both personally and through working with dozens of women in your exact position, is that the women who create peaceful co-parenting aren't the ones with "easier" exes. They're the ones who do their own work first.

This is the culmination of my 5-step approach to divorce recovery. You stabilize your emotional energy, you build capacity to feel, you accept reality, you release guilt, shame, blame, and enmeshment, and you reclaim your inner authority. When you do all of that work, co-parenting transforms. Not always immediately. Not always in the ways you expect. But it does shift.

This applies specifically to professional mothers navigating divorce and co-parenting: women who are exhausted from constant conflict, who are losing hours to co-parenting drama, who want the peaceful dynamic everyone keeps promising is possible but have no idea how to actually get there.

The breakthrough that changed everything

When I was finally able to say these 3 uncomfortable truths to myself, the way I co-parented with my exes transformed into something quite different. Like magic.

(If magic is built on determination, hard work, and bountiful trust in the unfolding of your life.)

These aren't easy truths. They require you to look at yourself honestly, take responsibility for your part, and stop waiting for your ex to change first. But they work. Not because they make your ex suddenly become reasonable. But because they make you unshakeable.

Truth #1: You're addicted to being wronged

This one is hard to hear. But it's true for most of us in high-conflict co-parenting situations.

You're approaching every interaction with your ex expecting you'll have to defend, prove, or fight for something. Your nervous system is primed for conflict before the conversation even starts. You're scanning for evidence that he's being unreasonable, difficult, or unfair. And (surprise) you find it. Every single time.

This isn't because he's always wrong. It's because you're looking for it.

When you're addicted to being wronged, you need him to be the problem. Because if he's the problem, then you're not. If he's unreasonable, you're reasonable. If he's the difficult one, you're the easy one. It becomes part of your identity, part of how you see yourself in relation to him.

But this addiction is costing you everything. Your peace. Your energy. Your ability to co-parent effectively. And worst of all, it's keeping you emotionally tied to someone you're trying to move on from.

Every time you build a case against him in your head, every time you text a friend about how ridiculous he's being, every time you replay a conversation to find evidence of his wrongness, you're feeding the addiction. You're keeping yourself stuck in the very dynamic you claim you want to escape.

What this looks like in real life:

You send a text about schedule changes and before he even responds, you're already bracing for his pushback. When he does push back (or even if he just asks a clarifying question), you immediately feel vindicated: See? He's being difficult. Again.

You walk into a custody exchange already tense, already defensive, already expecting conflict. And then you find it. Or you create it. And you walk away thinking: I tried. He's impossible.

You spend hours venting to friends about how unreasonable he is, how he never compromises, how he makes everything harder than it needs to be. And you feel righteous in your frustration. But you also feel stuck. Because if he's the entire problem, you have zero power to change anything.

What to do instead:

Before your next interaction, ask yourself: What if everything goes right?

Just that one question. Imagine the conversation going smoothly. Imagine him being cooperative. Imagine resolving the issue easily. Feel what that would feel like in your body.

This small shift changes the energy you bring, making space for cooperation and surprising outcomes. When you stop bracing for battle, you create room for something different to happen.

I'm not saying he'll suddenly be easy. I'm saying your nervous system will stop being so activated, which means you'll be able to respond instead of react. And that changes everything.

Truth #2: You're responsible for cleaning up your side of the street

This is the work nobody wants to hear about, but it's the most important.

Unresolved pain, anger, grief, and resentment will interfere with your kids' relationship with their dad and your ability to co-parent peacefully. That lingering anger about how the marriage ended? That grief about the life you thought you'd have? That resentment about having to co-parent with someone you didn't want to stay married to? It will leak into every interaction: the pickup exchanges, the scheduling texts, the conversations about summer camp.

You cannot co-parent peacefully while you're still carrying unprocessed pain about the relationship.

I know this is hard to hear, especially if your ex was the one who cheated, lied, or behaved badly. You might be thinking: Why do I have to do the work when he's the one who caused this?

Because he's not going to do it. And even if he does do his own work eventually, you can't wait for that to happen before you start healing. Your peace, your kids' wellbeing, and your ability to move forward depend on you doing your work regardless of whether he does his.

What this looks like in real life:

Every time you interact with your ex, you feel a tightness in your chest. You're irritable for hours after a custody exchange. You find yourself snapping at your kids about small things after you've dealt with him. You can't sleep the night before you have to see him.

This isn't about him. This is about unresolved pain in your body that gets activated every time you interact with him.

When you don't do your own healing work, you leak that pain onto your kids. You say things like "Ask your father" in a tone that makes it clear you think he's incompetent. You interrogate your kids about what happens at his house. You can't hide your tension during exchanges, and your kids absorb it.

What to do instead:

Get help. Do the inner work. Take care of you.

Your emotional healing isn't selfish. It's the foundation of peaceful co-parenting. When you process your pain instead of stuffing it down or projecting it onto your ex, everything shifts.

This might mean therapy. It might mean coaching. It might mean somatic work, EMDR, or any number of healing modalities. It definitely means grieving the loss of the marriage (even if you're the one who left). It means building your capacity to feel difficult emotions without falling apart. It means releasing blame, resentment, and the story you've been telling yourself about what happened.

When you do this work, you'll notice: You can be in the same room with your ex without your nervous system going haywire. You can have a difficult conversation without getting flooded. You can see him as a flawed human doing his best (or not) without needing to make him wrong. You can focus on your kids instead of managing your own reactivity.

That's when co-parenting becomes possible.

Truth #3: It's time to own your non-negotiables

You need to get clear on your non-negotiables: the values and boundaries that guide your parenting and how you relate to your ex. These may shift over time, but it's important to know what's non-optional for you right now.

Most people think boundaries are about controlling other people's behavior. They're not. Boundaries are about what you will and won't accept, what you will and won't do, how you will and won't show up.

When you're unclear on your non-negotiables, you're reactive. You say yes when you mean no. You tolerate disrespect because you don't want conflict. You let your ex push past your boundaries because you haven't defined them clearly enough to enforce them.

But when you know what matters to you, when you know what you're willing to compromise on and what you're absolutely not, co-parenting becomes simpler. Not easier. Simpler.

What this looks like in real life:

You agree to a schedule change that doesn't work for you because you don't want your ex to think you're difficult. Then you resent him for asking, and you resent yourself for saying yes.

You let your ex speak to you disrespectfully during exchanges because "it's not worth the fight." But it eats at you. And it teaches your kids that it's okay to let people treat you that way.

You're constantly negotiating and renegotiating everything because you haven't decided what's actually important to you versus what's just your preference.

What to do instead:

Take the time to get to know what's okay and not okay with you. Write it down if that helps.

Maybe it's living within a certain distance from your child's school. Maybe it's the level of respect you require during conversations with your ex. Maybe it's how you handle disagreements in front of the kids. Maybe it's that you'll flex on small schedule changes but major holidays are non-negotiable.

Once you know your non-negotiables, communicate them clearly and hold them consistently. Not with anger or defensiveness. Just with clarity and follow-through.

When you're clear, your ex knows what to expect. He might not like your boundaries, but he'll learn to respect them if you hold them consistently. And your kids will see what it looks like to know yourself and trust yourself.

Everybody benefits from your clarity, including your kids, who need to see what healthy boundaries actually look like.

What actually creates peaceful co-parenting (and what doesn't)

Peaceful co-parenting doesn't come from:

• Your ex finally seeing things your way

• Avoiding all conflict

• Being "nice" and accommodating at your own expense

• Waiting for him to change, apologize, or understand

• Convincing him you're right
  

Peaceful co-parenting comes from:

• You doing your own healing work

• You regulating your own nervous system

• You releasing the need to be right

• You focusing on your side of the street

• You holding clear boundaries without apology

• You showing up grounded even when he doesn't
  

When you do your work, one of two things happens: either the dynamic between you improves because you're no longer feeding the conflict, or it doesn't improve but you're no longer destroyed by it. Either way, you win.

The real secret to peaceful co-parenting

These three truths aren't quick fixes. They're not about controlling your ex or making him see things your way. They're about coming home to yourself: to your own steadiness, clarity, and power.

When you stop waiting for your ex to change and start focusing on your side of the street, everything becomes possible. Not easy, but possible.

The work is internal. The results are external. But you can't skip the internal work and expect external peace.

Frequently asked questions about co-parenting with a difficult ex

What if my ex refuses to communicate with me at all?Use a co-parenting app or email for all communication. Keep it brief, factual, and unemotional. You can co-parent effectively even with minimal direct communication if you focus on clarity and consistency on your end.

How do I co-parent with someone who badmouths me to our kids?You can't control what he says. You can control what you say and how you show up. Don't badmouth him back. When your kids report what he said, validate their feelings without making him wrong: "That sounds hard to hear. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this." Then model the behavior you want to see.

What if my ex violates our custody agreement repeatedly?Document everything and work with your lawyer to enforce the agreement. Your non-negotiables should include following court orders. If he can't be relied on, adjust your life accordingly while pursuing legal enforcement.

How long does it take for co-parenting to get better?There's no set timeline, but most people notice shifts within 3-6 months of consistently doing their own work. The key word is consistently. One good week won't do it. Sustained effort over time creates lasting change.

What if I've tried everything and it's still toxic?Then you focus on creating peace in your own home, protecting your kids from the conflict as much as possible, and accepting that you may never have a cooperative co-parenting relationship. Your job is to be the regulated, steady parent they need. You can't fix him. But you can be the safe harbor.

Can co-parenting ever be actually good, or is "not terrible" the best I can hope for?It can be genuinely good. I have joyful, collaborative relationships with both of my exes. But it took years of my own work to get here. Start with "not terrible" and see where it goes from there.

Ready to transform your co-parenting dynamic?

If you're in the middle of high-conflict co-parenting and your nervous system feels hijacked, if you're exhausted from the constant drama and can't see a way forward, if you're ready to do your own work instead of waiting for your ex to change, you don't have to figure this out alone.

I work with professional mothers navigating divorce to help them stabilize their nervous systems, release blame and resentment, set powerful boundaries, and create the peaceful co-parenting dynamic they've been desperate for. Not by changing their ex. By changing themselves.

Let's talk. Book a free connection call and we'll figure out together if this work is right for where you are.