3 Eye-Opening Truths that Made Co-Parenting with My Exes Actually Work

How to transform a toxic co-parenting relationship into peaceful collaboration (even with a difficult ex)

Women constantly ask me how I do it.

They want to know why I choose to hang out with my exes and their partners even when the kids aren't around. How I handle the complexity of different households, diverging dreams, and so many cooks in the kitchen. (I live for these questions, btw!)

Before I answer, I share that Paul is just one of my exes. The romantic relationships with both of my kids' dads ended years ago, and I've been double-duty co-parenting ever since. Along the way, I made many missteps, crumbled into a pile of shame, and built myself back into wholeness more times than I can count.

Basically, I've figured out that real, lasting peace in co-parenting starts with me and grows from the inside out.

The Breakthrough that Changed Everything

When I was finally able to say these 3 smack-you-in-the-face truths to myself, the way I co-parented with my exes transformed into something quite different. Like magic.*

*If magic is built on determination, hard work, and bountiful trust in the unfolding of your life.

1. You're addicted to being wronged.

Here's what I mean: You're approaching every interaction with your ex expecting you'll have to defend, prove, or fight for something. Your nervous system is primed for conflict before the conversation even starts.

Try this instead: Before your next interaction, ask yourself: What if everything goes right?

This small shift changes the energy you bring, making space for cooperation and surprising outcomes. When you stop bracing for battle, you create room for something different to happen.

2. You're responsible for cleaning up your side of the street.

This is the work nobody wants to hear about, but it's the most important.

Unresolved pain will interfere with your kids' relationship with their dad and your ability to co-parent peacefully. That lingering anger, grief, or resentment? It will leak into every interaction—the pickup exchanges, the scheduling texts, the conversations about summer camp.

Get help. Do the inner work. Take care of you.

Your emotional healing isn't selfish, it's the foundation of peaceful co-parenting. When you process your pain instead of stuffing it down or projecting it onto your ex, everything shifts.

3. It's time to own your non-negotiables.

Get clear on your non-negotiables: the values and boundaries that guide your parenting and how you relate to your ex. These may shift over time, but it's important to know what's non-optional for you right now.

Maybe it's living within a certain distance from your child's school. Maybe it's the level of respect you require during hard conversations with your ex. Maybe it's how you handle disagreements in front of the kids.

Take the time to get to know what's okay and not okay with you. Everybody will benefit from your clarity—including your kids, who need to see what healthy boundaries actually look like.

The Real Secret to Peaceful Co-Parenting

These three truths aren't quick fixes. They're not about controlling your ex or making him see things your way. They're about coming home to yourself—to your own steadiness, clarity, and power.

When you stop waiting for your ex to change and start focusing on your side of the street, everything becomes possible. Not easy, but possible.

If you're in the middle of divorce or navigating co-parenting stress and your nervous system feels hijacked, you are not broken. This is what overwhelm actually feels like.

You don't need a big breakthrough. You need a pause.

Stop the Spin: Your 10-Minute Reset for Divorce & Co-Parenting Chaos is a simple protocol to interrupt the spiral and come back to yourself so you can respond instead of react.