Divorcing mom, it's time to stop caring what others think (and get really good at being disliked)

Why seeking approval from your ex, family, and friends keeps you stuck in divorce and co-parenting (and how to finally trust yourself)

the freedom that comes from not caring about others' opinions!

When my first marriage ended, I thought being liked was the most important thing.

I twisted myself into knots trying to make my ex like me. I wanted my friends and family to see me as the "good" one. I even tried to convince my kids that everything was fine, even though it wasn't.

It didn't work.

Seeking approval from your ex, your family, your friends, even strangers keeps you trapped in a version of yourself that isn't real. Every time you explain yourself, justify your choices, or twist your boundaries to avoid disappointing someone, you give away your power. You don't need everyone to like you or understand your choices. Not your ex, not your friends, not your family. Your job is to trust yourself enough to hold steady while others have whatever opinions they're going to have. When you stop caring what others think after divorce, you finally get to become yourself.

I'm a divorce recovery and co-parenting coach who specializes in emotional regulation for professional mothers navigating divorce. I've been through two divorces with two kids and have built peaceful co-parenting relationships with both of my exes over the last 15 years. What I've learned, both personally and through working with dozens of women in your exact position, is that the need to be liked, understood, and approved of will destroy your boundaries, drain your energy, and keep you stuck in people-pleasing patterns that make divorce recovery impossible.

This work of trusting yourself over everyone else's opinions is Step 5 of my 5-step approach to divorce recovery: reclaiming your inner authority and self-trust. First you stabilize your emotional energy, then you build capacity to feel, then you accept reality, then you release guilt, shame, and blame. And then you have to trust yourself more than you trust other people's judgments about your life.

This applies specifically to professional mothers navigating divorce: women who are used to performing competence, who've built their identity around being respected and liked, who are terrified of being judged or seen as a failure, and who are exhausted from managing everyone else's reactions to their divorce.

Being liked won't solve anything

In the early days of co-parenting, I bent over backward to keep the peace with my exes. I'd agree to compromises I didn't want to make, stayed quiet when I needed to speak up, and said yes when I meant no. I thought avoiding conflict was the key to a smooth co-parenting relationship. It wasn't. Every time I let them push past my boundaries, I felt smaller. The tension didn't ease. If anything, it got worse.

Things only started to change when I got clear on what I needed, set boundaries with my ex, and actually enforced them. At first they were not into this new version of me. But over time, that dislike turned into respect. And eventually, that respect turned into something even better: a foundation we could actually co-parent from peacefully, and eventually, with joy.

The same pattern played out with friends and family. The more I explained myself, the more they questioned me. The more I justified my choices, the more they felt entitled to weigh in. But when I stopped defending my decisions and simply held my ground, the dynamic shifted. Not everyone understood. Not everyone approved. But I stopped needing them to.

When everyone has an opinion about your divorce

Divorce can turn your life into a public forum. Friends, family, even strangers suddenly have opinions about what you should do, how you should act, and who you should be.

For a long time, I tried to justify my choices. I'd overexplain, trying to convince people I was doing the right thing. I wasted so much energy defending myself and hoping for approval, when I could have been using that energy to heal, show up at work, or be with my kids.

It took me a while to realize that other people's opinions don't matter. The only approval I needed was my own. When I stopped explaining myself to my ex, to family, to anyone who felt entitled to weigh in, I felt freer than I ever had. Not everyone understood my decisions, but I didn't need them to.

The truth is, people will have opinions no matter what you do. If you stay married, they'll judge that. If you leave, they'll judge that. If you're sad, you're wallowing. If you're happy, you moved on too fast. If you're struggling, you should have stayed. If you're thriving, you must not have cared. You cannot win this game. The only way out is to stop playing.

The hidden cost of caring what others think

When you're constantly managing other people's opinions and reactions, you're losing:

Your energy. Every conversation where you defend yourself, every explanation you give that you don't owe, every time you twist your boundaries to avoid someone's disappointment—that's energy you don't get back.

Your boundaries. When you care more about being liked than being true to yourself, you can't hold boundaries. You say yes when you mean no. You tolerate disrespect. You let people cross lines because you're afraid of their reaction.

Your clarity. When you're constantly second-guessing yourself based on other people's feedback, you lose touch with what you actually know, want, and need.

Your authenticity. The version of yourself that everyone approves of isn't actually you. It's a performance. And you can't live there long-term without falling apart.

Your self-trust. Every time you override your own knowing to please someone else, you teach yourself that other people's opinions matter more than your own judgment. Over time, you stop trusting yourself at all.

Your kids' example. Your children are watching you navigate this. If they see you twisting yourself into knots to avoid other people's disapproval, that's what they'll learn to do. If they see you trusting yourself and holding steady even when others disagree, that's the gift you give them.

Why you became a people-pleaser in the first place

Most of us didn't just wake up one day and decide to care deeply about what everyone thinks. This pattern was taught.

Maybe you grew up in a home where love was conditional on being "good." Where your worth was tied to your performance, your obedience, your ability to keep the peace or make others comfortable.

Maybe you learned early that your needs didn't matter as much as everyone else's. That speaking up was selfish. That disagreement was dangerous.

Maybe you were praised for being accommodating, easy, agreeable. And punished (through withdrawal, anger, or coldness) when you weren't.

So you adapted. You learned to read the room, manage everyone's emotions, anticipate what people wanted from you, and deliver it. You learned to make yourself small so others could be comfortable. You learned that your job was to keep everyone else happy, even at the cost of your own wellbeing.

That pattern served a purpose when you were young and powerless. But it's not serving you anymore. In fact, it's destroying you.

Divorce often forces this pattern into the light because suddenly you're making a choice that disappoints people. You're choosing yourself over the performance of the "good wife" or the "intact family." And that triggers everyone's opinions, judgments, and attempts to control you.

This is actually your opportunity. You get to decide whether you'll keep performing for approval or finally choose yourself.

How I stopped caring what others think and learned to trust myself after divorce

The hardest part of all of this? Learning to trust myself after so many years of looking to others for validation. It takes practice to actually stop caring what others think and believe in your own capacity.

At first, I didn't think I could trust my own judgment. I second-guessed everything: every parenting decision, every boundary, every step I took. I was terrified of getting it wrong.

It took time, but slowly I started to rebuild that trust. I reminded myself daily: My heart is good, and I'm doing my best. I repeated it like a mantra while folding laundry, walking the dog, or cooking dinner. Eventually, I started to believe it. And as my confidence grew, I stopped twisting myself into someone I thought others wanted me to be.

I showed up as myself, flawed, human, but deeply good. And that changed everything.

These are the practices that helped me shift from constant people-pleasing to actual self-trust:

1. I stopped explaining myself

The compulsion to explain, justify, and defend yourself is a people-pleasing pattern. When you trust yourself, you don't need to convince others.

Practice this: The next time someone questions your choice, simply say: "I've thought about this carefully, and this is what's right for me." Then stop. No defending. No explaining. No justifying. Just let your decision stand.

Most people will push back at first. They're used to you explaining yourself. When you don't, it shifts the dynamic. Some will respect it. Some won't. Either way, you're no longer giving away your power.

2. I got clear on whose opinions actually matter

Not all opinions are created equal. Your ex's mother's opinion of your parenting? Doesn't matter. Your judgmental friend who's never been divorced? Doesn't matter. The stranger at your kid's school who makes a comment about "broken homes"? Definitely doesn't matter.

Make a list of the 3-5 people whose opinions you actually value. People who know you, love you, and want the best for you. Everyone else's feedback is noise.

When someone outside that circle offers unsolicited advice or judgment, you can smile, nod, and let it roll right off. You don't owe them an explanation or a defense.

3. I practiced saying no without softening it

People-pleasers are masters at softening everything. "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but..." "I feel terrible saying this, but..." "I know this is difficult, but..."

All of that softening is you apologizing for having boundaries. Stop.

Practice saying: "No, that doesn't work for me." "No, I'm not available." "No." Period.

The discomfort you feel when you do this? That's your nervous system adjusting to taking up space. Sit with it. It gets easier.

4. I stopped trying to control how people see me

You cannot manage everyone's perception of you. People will think what they think based on their own fears, projections, and limited information. You're not responsible for correcting their story.

When someone misunderstands you, judges you unfairly, or tells a story about you that isn't true, your job is not to fix it. Your job is to keep living in integrity with yourself and trust that the people who matter will see you clearly.

This one was hard for me. I wanted everyone to understand my side, to see that I was the reasonable one, to know the full story. But trying to control the narrative just kept me exhausted and enmeshed with people whose opinions didn't actually matter.

5. I built tolerance for being disliked

This is the big one. You have to get comfortable with the fact that some people aren't going to like you. Some people will judge you. Some people will disapprove. And you have to be okay with that.

Practice this: Think of someone who disapproves of you or your choices. Feel the discomfort of that. Then ask yourself: "Can I live with this person not liking me?" The answer is yes. You can. You have been. And you'll keep being okay.

The goal isn't to be liked by everyone. The goal is to like yourself. To trust yourself. To live in integrity with your own values even when others disagree.

What changed when I stopped caring what others think

Freedom. That's what I got.

Freedom to make choices based on what I actually wanted instead of what would keep everyone else comfortable.

Freedom to set boundaries without guilt.

Freedom to show up as myself instead of the version I thought others needed me to be.

Freedom to trust my own judgment instead of constantly seeking external validation.

My relationships got better, too. Not all of them. Some people fell away when I stopped performing for their approval. And that was painful. But the relationships that remained became deeper, more honest, more real.

My kids felt it. They saw me making choices from a place of self-trust instead of fear. They saw me holding boundaries without collapsing. They saw me choosing myself without apologizing. And that gave them permission to do the same.

And I started to actually like myself. Not the performing version. The real version. Messy, imperfect, but deeply good.

When caring what others think is actually healthy

I want to be clear: There's a difference between caring what others think and being open to feedback.

Caring what others think means you're changing your choices, violating your boundaries, or abandoning yourself to avoid their disapproval.

Being open to feedback means you're willing to hear other perspectives, consider whether they have merit, and decide whether to incorporate them.

Healthy relationships involve care, consideration, and responsiveness. You should care about your kids' feelings. You should care about how your choices impact people you love. You should be willing to hear feedback from people you trust.

But caring about impact is different from needing approval. You can consider someone's perspective and still make a choice they don't like. You can care about their feelings without making their comfort more important than your integrity.

The question isn't "Do I care what anyone thinks?" The question is "Whose opinions inform my decisions, and whose don't?"

Frequently asked questions about caring what others think after divorce

How do I stop caring what my ex thinks of me?Focus on what you think of yourself. Your ex's opinion of you is based on his own pain, perspective, and projections. It's not an accurate reflection of who you are. Build your self-trust by acting in integrity with your own values, regardless of his judgment.

What if my family keeps criticizing my divorce decision?You can set a boundary: "I've made this decision carefully, and I need you to respect it even if you don't agree with it. I'm not open to discussing it further." If they can't respect that boundary, you can limit contact until they can.

How do I handle judgment from other parents or community members?Remember: their judgment says more about them than about you. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You can respond with simple statements like "We're figuring it out" or "It's working for our family" and leave it at that.

What if I'm worried about what people will think of me professionally?Your personal life is not your professional identity. You can be going through a divorce and still be exceptional at your job. Most people are too focused on their own lives to spend much time judging yours. Show up professionally, do your work well, and trust that your competence speaks for itself.

How do I know when I'm being stubborn vs. trusting myself?Trusting yourself feels grounded and clear, even when it's hard. Stubbornness feels defensive and rigid. If you're open to hearing feedback but choosing differently, that's self-trust. If you're refusing to consider any perspective but your own because you're afraid of being wrong, that might be defensiveness.

What if caring what others think is keeping me in my marriage?That's fear-based decision making, not self-trust. If you're staying primarily because of what others will think, not because it's what you actually want, you're abandoning yourself. The cost of that abandonment will show up somewhere: in your health, your resentment, your disconnection from yourself.

Ready to trust yourself again?

If you're exhausted from managing everyone else's opinions, if you're tired of explaining and defending your choices, if you're ready to stop twisting yourself into someone you're not just to avoid disapproval, you don't have to keep doing this alone.

I work with professional mothers navigating divorce to help them reclaim their inner authority, trust themselves deeply, and stop giving their power away to other people's judgments. Not by becoming cold or disconnected. By becoming so solid in who they are so that other people's opinions just don't have the same weight anymore.

This is my 5-step approach to divorce recovery. Trusting yourself is the final step, and it's where everything comes together.

Let's talk. Book a free connection call and we'll figure out together if this work is right for where you are.