When You Stop Blaming Your Ex You Get Your Power Back

Why blaming your ex keeps you stuck in divorce and co-parenting conflict (and how to take your power back)

I don't know exactly when it clicked. There was no thunderbolt of truth that knocked me over, no gut-wrenching epiphany. It was slower than that. Sneakier. A quiet, steady unraveling of trust between my exes and me, a trust I didn't even realize was critical until it was long gone.

At first, I couldn't see it. I was too busy playing the "better" parent. The one who had it all together. The one who always knew best.

But the cracks started showing. I'd catch myself making my ex the bad guy in too many scenarios. And for a moment, I'd feel vindicated. Superior, even. But underneath it was something heavier. Something darker. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel true.

Slowly, painfully, it hit me: I wasn't the better parent. Not by a long shot. I was just as defensive, just as reactive, just as unwilling to own my part in the chaos—if not more.

And if I wasn't willing to take accountability for my own mess, why would my exes trust me? Why would my kids?

Blame Feels Good, but It's Keeping You Stuck

Blame is seductive. It makes you feel like you're in control, like you've got the moral high ground. If my ex was the problem, then I wasn't. Simple.

Blame let me dodge the harder work of facing my own flaws. It let me avoid the pain of admitting I'd messed up, that I was sometimes reactive, short-tempered, or unfair.

But here's what I learned the hard way: Blame doesn't protect you. It isolates you. It keeps you in a cycle of frustration, anger, and powerlessness in your co-parenting relationship.

Every Time I Blamed My Ex, I Chipped Away at Trust

Conversations with my ex felt like tightrope walks, full of landmines and hidden agendas. My kids watched me with careful eyes, absorbing tension I couldn't hide, no matter how hard I tried.

I thought blame was keeping me safe. But it was pushing away the people I needed most.

The moment I saw that clearly, everything changed.

How I Stopped Blaming My Ex and Took My Power Back

1. I got curious about my reactions

Every time I wanted to point a finger, I stopped and asked myself: What's really going on here? Nine times out of ten, my anger wasn't about my ex. It was about fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of distance with my kids. Fear of being judged.

2. I named what I was feeling

Instead of lashing out, I named my emotions, sometimes to myself, sometimes directly to my ex. "I'm scared this schedule change will affect how much time I have with our kiddo." "If I agree to this holiday request, I might feel really lonely while our child is away." Naming my emotions opened the door for greater honesty and transparency, with my co-parents and, more importantly, with myself.

3. I owed my mistakes

Owning my part was humbling, but freeing. No excuses. No justifications. Just honesty. "I'm sorry. I was out of line." "That was about me, not you." Accountability changed the game.

4. I focused on my side of the street

I stopped trying to control my ex and started focusing on what I could control:

My boundaries. My energy, My reactions

When you stop blaming your ex and start cleaning up your side of the street, everything shifts.

What Changed When I Let Go of Blame?

Trust. That's what changed first.

My exes could feel the shift when I wasn't trying to control or condemn them. And they started showing up differently, not because I forced them to, but because the dynamic had shifted. My kids felt it, too. They saw me owning my emotions instead of projecting them onto everyone else. It made them feel safer, more connected. They could trust me. And then I started trusting myself in a bigger way, too.

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